Friday, March 2, 2012

where do I go...

Where do I go from here? I basically feel like I am broken on the floor and people are just kicking me while I am down. I really would love to crawl into a hole and not come out for awhile. But sadly I can not do that because I have to stay strong for my family unit. I feel like this is God/universe punishing me for A) having a baby out of wedlock and B) living un-married. When I feel like I am finally in control of my life and I am on top of things something comes in and knocks me down. 

So i received a text from my mom saying I received mail at her house and it is from a lawyer in North Carolina.
**So a tad of a background story: I was married back in 08' and we got separated 5 months later. We were high school sweethearts and he joined the Marines, and we got stationed in Jacksonville, NC. We bought our first home there and life was great for, 5 months. It turned for the worse when he would rather go gamble from 6:00pm to 6:00am without a single phone call or text to me; his wife, saying he was alright or where the hell he was! I would wake up in a cold sweat because I wouldn't feel him in bed next to me. And to top it all off he would go to our neighbors house (his best friend in the Marines, yes they bought the house right next to us!) and drink or play xbox till I had work at noon. You could clearly tell he didnt love me anymore, let alone be married to me. Finally the last straw for myself was when he slammed the door in my face while I was trying to walk into the bedroom, my fingers where in the door frame and he broke my wedding ring FINGER and the door indented my pinky and middle finger of my left hand. It was the most pain (at the time) I had ever been through. From someone I trusted and loved. So when I left him and drove the 22 hours to my moms house in Texas I left him everything. He paid me a few months alimony so I could get on my feet and I took myself off the deed of the house and that was that.**

Fast forward almost 4 years and here I am receiving this letter to my surprise about foreclosure on the house in NC. Well to my surprise why would they be contacting me? I left everything to my ex. Its in our separation agreement (we still aren't fully divorced) and he has been paying the mortgage. I was only supposed to be on the deed of the house not the loan also. So I am almost in tears at work. Even though I work in a lawyers office I didnt want to ask my office for help since A) I just started and B) thats not very professional right? You know the saying, leave work at work and home at home. Well anyways it came up because I am horrible at hiding my feelings and they knew something was wrong. I broke down and told my boss, who comes to find out is a  real estate lawyer. He made me feel a little bit better saying he will take care of it for me.

But after reading the letter and not just the bits and pieces of what my mom said I am starting to freak out again. SO if I am on the loan and we defaulted then it is going to ruin my credit score after it took me 5 years to clean it up from medical bills. Then when I am old enough to afford a house in California they are going to see it on my record and that just screws it up all right there and I am going to have foreclosure on my record as well. I am trying so hard to put on a front to stay positive and happy but deep down I am freaking out. I want to scream at my ex husband! Doesn't he know this is affecting me until our divorce is finalized! Why didnt he ask if I could take over the payments and house?!!? Why why why why.... Thats all that keeps running through my mind.

Why is one shit storm after another? I don't want pity or anything like that, I am just so frustrated, hurt, pissed, and a million other feelings.

Well I am going to hope my boss can help me and hopefully my credit doesn't go to crap.

Starting NEXT Friday I am going to start a segment called "Fabulous Friday" so stay tuned!

xoxoxoxo Nicole

p.s. if you got this far, you are awesome!!! thank you for the support!


  1. well...I hear ya. I'm going threw a rough time right now. different situation but a hard a hard time, right?? to start..I had a baby out of wedlock too. I grew up in a strict christian household and have been in church all my to say that what I did was a great disappointment to everyone is an understatement.this was back in was one of the hardest times in my life. Everything is better now and that is because I know for a fact that God is not a vengeful God. He has never forsaken forward 6 years later and just until recently I didn't feel that shame. God doesn't judge us...we judge ourselves....people judge us.
    We are made new in Him. I'm a working progress because its easy to be hard on ourselves...but I don't live my life for anyone else but Him!:)
    I know you'll get through it. Its just overwhelming...ask God for strength. you have a beautiful family and there all that matter, right?!
    take care!
    visiting from

    1. Thank you for your kinds words!! It is hard for me to go to church because I feel like I am being judged. I know there not but its so hard for me. But your right he is not vengeful or anything! he is forgiving. Im sorry to hear about your situation as well!

      Thanks for stopping by!

  2. Hang in there Nicole!
    You will be ok in the end. It will be a rough road, but with the help and support of your family and even your boss you can get through this!
    Take care!!! Hope all will be over soon!

    1. Thanks Sara! I really appreciate such kind words! I really hope so too :) Thanks for stopping by :)