Thursday, February 23, 2012

Not Knowing // Fate // Love

Not knowing if I can have another child just makes me want to have another one asap. People call me crazy cause Reagan will be one in April and tell me I shouldn't have them that close together. But people forget or just don't know how hard it is for me to have children. Reagan is my double miracle baby. I didnt know this till AFTER she was born but my levels weren't doubling in the early stages, they actually were doing the opposite and going down. So therefore my doctor at the time was 100% sure I was going to miscarry and so on. But to her surprise (not mine cause I had no idea) a month passed and she had a strong heart beat of 175. Plus I had cervical cancer at 19, they did a lot of in house procedures on my cervix so I technically do not have a full cervix. It is partially gone from all the tests, freezing, lazering and scarping they did. So it is a double whammy for me. 

J and I have not been trying but not preventing since early December 2011. I try not to get my hopes up and know that when the time is right we will have another child. It just makes me anxious when I see other pregnant ladies and I kinda miss being pregnant. J and I do not have any biological children together so with my condition and then not even knowing if he is shooting blanks just rack my nerves even more.

--Side Note: Your probably scratching your head about what I just said not having any biological children together. Trust me I will be writing a whole blog post about that and my birth story. It all comes in time my grass hopper! ;)

Then before we have another one I would like to be in our own place and know that we can do it on our own. We have been spoiled and staying with family but I think soon we need to leave the safety net behind and explore the world together and see what works for us and what doesn't. We both have really good jobs and really awesome families to support us through anything we do!

Reagan was my awesome miracle surprise. Now that I am "trying" it is a whole new ball game. Maybe I shouldn't "try" and let there be another little surprise :) But I am type A personality so that probably will never work hahahaha. I just really hope the universe/God gives us the surprise we want when they think its the right time.

I miss this :/ -- Reagan only hours old

xoxoxox Nicole

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